18/06/2009

Terrible Jokes I Made Up (they're really bad)!

Regular readers (so that'd be no-one) might recall that I reckon I'd be perfect at writing christmas cracker jokes. Well, whilst going through files on my old computer, I found a host of school related jokes which I made up. Then wrote in a Word document. I'm such a loser. (I don't think they're that bad though!).

Maths

Q. Why did the mathematician sharpen his compass?
A. So he could get the point!

Q. Why do lumberjacks like maths?
A. They like the logs!

Q. Why did the geometrical instrument whip the slave?
A. He was a ruler!

Q. Why did the geometrical instrument vote for the farmers?
A. It was pro-tractor!

Q. Why did the mathematician have a cubic jelly?
A. It set square!

Q. Why did Mr. Al G. Bra throw himself into the ocean?
A. He liked to be indices! (In the sea- geddit?)

Q. Why do models like mathematicians?
A. They like the tans!

Q. Why do mathematicians like beauticians?
A. Because they’re talculators!

Q. Why does superman love maths?
A. He likes the powers!

Q. Why do mathematicians like pop stars?
A. They like the x-factors!

Physics

Q. Why did the physics teacher start a fight?
A. He wanted to get physical!

Q. Why do physicists like motorbikes?
A. They’re always high on speed! ('physicists' be interchanged with 'junkies')

Q. Why did the physicist always agree with the mad scientist?
A. They were on the same wavelength!

Q. Why do physics teachers not watch scary films?
A. They prefer the universals!

Q. Why do physicists not like Sunday lunch?
A. They prefer light meals!

Q. Why are physicists always romantically attached to one another?
A. They love the sparks of attraction!

Q. Why do physicists love watching the news?
A. They love the current affairs!

Q. Where do physicists live?
A. Velo City

Q. Where do physicists wear their wedding rings?
A. On their digitals!

Q. Why do physics teachers love walkie-talkies?
A. They love radio activity!

Chemistry

Q. What happened when the chemistry teacher tried to shoot a bird?
A. He che-missed!

Q. Why did the anti-chemist lay down vermin traps?
A. He hated moles!

Q. Why did the chemist start a fight with his tap?
A. He preferred hard water!

Q. Why do chemists love relationships?
A. They love the bonding!

Q. What holiday do chemists love the most?
A. Ester!

Q. What did the chemists say when he solved the crime?
A. Elemental!

Q. What did the chemist say when he couldn’t solve the crime?
A. Compound these criminals!

Q. Why do chemists put things off?
A. They like to do things periodically!

Q. Why do chemists like to watch repeat Arnold Swarchenegger movies?
A. They like the re-action!

Biology

Q. What happened when the biologist trained a plant to ride a bike?
A. It couldn’t reach the pedals!

Q. What do skeletons use to call one another?
A. The bone, of course!

Q. Why are biologists always unhappy?
A. They are always at their dis-ease!

Q. Why do botanists always move house?
A. They like laying down new roots!

Q. Why do biologists always smell bad?
A. They have bio!

Q. Why do fat biologists hate genes?
A. They’re always too tight!

Q. What’s a sinful biology teacher’s favourite subject?
A. Evilution!

Q. Why do retired biologists always work in shops?
A. They know what cells well.


Music

Q. Why do musicians love knobs?
A. They a-Door Handel!

Q. What does the composer take to the supermarket?
A. A Chopin list!

Q. Why did the musician kill his friend?
A. He wanted to play on his organs!

Q. Why did the musician kill himself on the piano?
A. He wanted to leave a suicide note!

Q. What’s a musician’s favourite tea-time snack?
A. Buttered trumpets!

Q. Why do musicians envy opera singers?
A. Because they always have-a-lottie!

Q. Why do musicians love rhinos?
A. They like horns!

Q. Why should you never trust a musician?
A. They’re always violint!

Q. Why are musicians good at tennis?
A. They’re good with strings.


Art

Q. Who was the most perverted artist?
A. Leonardo Da Pinchi!

Q. Why do artists like deep meaningful conversations?
A. They like to get to the ‘art of the matter!

Q. Why do artists run everywhere?
A. Because they’re always brushing about.

Q. Why do so many Caribbean artists like hurting themselves?
A. It’s the pain-ting.

Q. Why do artists never win?
A. Because they’re always drawing.

Q. Where did the artist’s only friend come from?
A. Out of the blue.

Q. What are artist’s favourite sweets?
A. Fruit Pastels

Q. What question did the artist ask himself about which pencil to use?
A. ‘2B or not 2B!’

Q. Why was the innocent painting accused of murder?
A. He had been framed

Q. Why are all artists clever?
A. They all went to collage.


Divinity

Q. What is the most holy animal?
A. Monk-eys!

Q. What happened when the Priest looked at the church?
A. He was in-spired!

Q. Why did the congregation boo?
A. Because the speaker had made a bish’up.

Q. What did the bishop say when the vicar farted?
A. Pew-ie!

Q. How do angles greet one another?
A. Halo!

Q. What did God say about his wife’s cakes?
A. These are simply divine!

Q. Who was the first person to invent the aeroplane?
A. Pontius Pilate.

Q. How do people feel at funerals?
A. Grave.


Geography

Q. How did the pupil insult his geography teacher?
A. He told him to get lost!

Q. What did the Geography master have when he was Hungary?
A. Turkey (joke in a joke there- hee-larius!)

History

Q. Why do old history teachers teach the past?
A. Because they haven’t got a future!

Q. What is a Romans favourite food?
A. Caesar salad!

English

Q. What’s English backwards?
A. Normality!

Q. Why do savages like English?
A. They like to shake spears.

Q. What’s a dwarf’s favourite book?
A. Gnomeo and Juliet.


Sport

Q. Who is the best cartoon footballer?
A. Donaldo! (duck- doesn't really work)

Q. Why are rowers always silent?
A. If they speak, they have to argue!

Q. What’s a sportsman's favourite drink?
A. Squash!



I'm funny dammit! I should do standup. Yeah, king of puns, me.